A Family System

   

    Picture this. A family in an ice cream shop. The adults are sitting together talking while the kids are eating ice cream and playing together. Slowly but surely the kids begin to get a little louder, a little rowdier. Maybe people in the store begin to glance at the scene the kids are making. The mom stands up, puts her hands on her hips, gives them the look, and shakes her head. The kids immediately stop and sit up then finish their ice cream while the adults go back to talking. Every family has their own unspoken and spoken rules, whether its to 'Behave in public', 'What mom says goes', 'Sister gets to ask for more ice cream, but I don't', or 'Don't run into the street'. These "rules characterize, regulate, and help stabilize how - and how well families function as a unit"¹.

    Rules are created from the very beginning of the relationship and once there, they are usually there to stay. Some rules are very helpful, such as 'Don't run into the street'. Others are not. Rules like 'Every time mom approaches dad about money they start to yell'. Or 'When sister starts a temper tantrum she always gets her way'. Rules, good or bad, are what make a family unique and different from other families. Rules do multiple things. One is to help the family members learn what they should do and how they are expected to act. They also indicate where the boundaries are. Boundaries separate the family from its environment and other families. Some families have healthy boundaries while others either have no boundaries or are have boundaries that are too closed.²

    How could you go about changing unhealthy boundaries or rules? The first step would be awareness and acceptance. It can be hard to accept that one might have an unhealthy rule or boundary. This is their family. The rules and boundaries are a part of what makes them different from other families. The rules and boundaries are usually based on values. One way to assess if there are unhealthy boundaries or rules is to look to the family and see if any individuals display any symptoms or problems. I like to view the family as a circle. When sister acts a certain way it is going to cause brother to act a certain way, but because brother is going to act a certain way, then sister will act a certain way, etc etc. Which means if there are any unhealthy boundaries it is highly likely that one of the family members is going to act a certain way because of it. This isn't to put blame on anyone or say no one is responsible, but rather to focus on the problem instead of the blame. If you still can't decide if there is a problem or are worried about it you can always talk to a professional. I am not a professional, therefore I would get the opinion of one before making any conclusions. Optimally the best route would be to change the rule or boundary to fix the problem.

    There are many different theories that professionals use to explain what is happening and that they use to help families. The one that I am partial to is Family Systems Theory, which is what my post is based off of. One of the main parts of Family Systems Theory is that "The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.²" Meaning that the family is like a cake. You can have all the ingredients together, but that wouldn't make a cake. The members in the family are the ingredients and when they come together in a family that makes it into a cake.²

    In the end if you believe there is a problem I suggest talking to a professional therapist. They might have different theories that they will change how different therapists help you or your family, but that is their objective and their job, to help.


1-The Family as a Psychosocial System.
2-Reproduced from Ingoldsby, B. B., Smith, S. R., & Miller, J. E. (2004). Exploring Family Theories. In Family Systems Theory (2nd Ed., Ch. 5, pp. 123 -139). New York, NY: Oxford University Press

   

   

 

Children

    When discussing children with my husband we always discuss the usual question. When should we have children? That’s the main question. Sometimes we ask how many should we have? Which is usually followed by, “We will see as we go along and with guidance from God.” Never have we asked, “How many should we have and how will that affect others? How will having children affect others?” Having children has always been a very personal topic to me. The only people who really get a say is going to be me, my husband, and God. But lately I’ve been thinking, how will my children affect others? Recently in my class we talked about a book called “The Population Bomb” by Paul Ehrlich.

    It talks about how the earth is going to be overpopulated and people will starve to death. It also mentions how we will overuse our resources. I got really upset. It was my decision! Not anyone else’s! And I didn’t like the idea that people were going to go around saying I’m robbing others of resources with my decision to have too many children. Since then I’ve learned more and it isn’t true. In fact, the fertility rate is down so low that the U.S. and many other countries aren’t even meeting the fertility replacement rate. The fertility replacement rate is how many children need to be born on average per woman to replace the population we have. The replacement rate currently is 2.1 children. We are currently below that, as are a lot of other countries. 

    You might be asking, “But what could be so bad about that?” I know I did. The reason the population has been so high has been because people are living longer, our elders are living longer. Our population rate is not growing. For the U.S., this means many things. One is that we won’t have as many people to support social security. We will have too many retirees compared to workers. Another is that the elderly will be putting larger houses on the market as they look to downsize and there won’t be enough people to buy them. With a lower replacement fertility rate, it can eventually become difficult to maintain standards of living. These are only a few things that can happen. 
    I don't know what will actually happen and I certainly am not predicting what will happen. I would need to study more before making any claims. What I do know is that how many children one has is up to them. I feel like it should be a choice made between one’s spouse, them, and God. I do see where others come from though when they ask me how having many children will affect others. It’s important to ponder and pray about thoughts on children, especially how many to have. 

"When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith." -Neil L. Anderson