I am going to tell you a story about one of my friends who I
will call Suzie. Suzie really liked John. She only met him two weeks before,
but she knew she loved him. They held hands and hugged all the time and that
week they started kissing, which Suzie loved to do to show John she loved him.
She didn't really know John very well, but that was okay because she was really
committed to him and trusted him. A couple of days later Suzie found out that
John was also seeing two other girls. Suzie was devastated.
This has happened to many friends of mine and it is awful to
see them get hurt in their relationships. Sometimes is plays out differently.
The guy isn't usually a bad guy, the couple just didn't know each other before
they got into it. They had committed to each other a lot more than they were
ready for and got hurt when they discovered this person they were dating was
not who they thought they were.
How can someone know when they are ready to commit to
someone and even when to touch them? There is a model provided by Van Epp
called the RAM model. It is a guide for relationships. There are five aspects
of the Relationship Attachment Model. Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. The
model works in the way that the previous aspect should always be higher than
the one after it. This means that you should always know a person more than you
trust them, you should trust them more than you rely on them, you should rely
on them more than you are committed to them, and you should be more committed
to them than you touch them. This helps to prevent people from getting hurt in
a relationship.
If a person tries to guide the relationship in an opposite
way they can get hurt and it can stunt the growth of the relationship like we
saw in the example with Suzie.
What can we do to help Suzie in her next relationship? The
first step is getting to know someone. Getting to know the person you intend to
date is the most important because it becomes the base for all the other
aspects. Once you know them you can begin to trust them, because you know that a)
they aren't dating anybody else right now, and b) you know them enough to trust
that they won't date someone else while you are seeing them. Once you trust
them you can begin to rely on them. If you trust someone you know them enough
to trust them to not let you down. Then you can commit to them because you know
you can rely on them and they will have your back. Then comes touch. Many
people like to bring touch in really fast. It can be really hard to hold off on
touch, not even sexual touch but all kinds of touch.
Bringing in the aspect of touch too early can make someone
feel like they know their partner even if they don't know them at all. With
this faux basis of knowledge of someone, a person can start to build on all the
other aspects as well. All too soon, the faux base can crumble and bring down
everything else with it. Just because you don't know someone doesn't mean they
are a bad person, it just means you don't know them.
Here is what Suzie can do with this advice in her next
relationship. Suzie has now just met Chris. Chris seems like a great guy, but
she is worried because of how things ended up with John. Chris takes Suzie out
on a date and they talk and get to know each other the entire night. At the end
of the night Chris goes to kiss Suzie. Suzie stops him and asks if they can
wait until they get to know each other more. Chris is disappointed because he
was really looking forward to kissing Suzie, but he agrees. Chris and Suzie go
on many more dates of all different kinds. They are starting to really get to
know each other. They start to learn about the person as they are with their
faults. Eventually they do start to kiss, but they never go farther than they
are committed to each other.
Don't forget the 5 basics! First get to know your partner, then you can start to trust them, after you trust them you can begin relying on them, once you rely on them you can commit to them, and once you are committed to them you can start sharing touch. I wish you all the best in your relationships.
