A recent topic that has dominated my husband and my conversations
has been parenting. We are expecting a baby in January and I have been doing a
lot of research. Research can't replace experiencing parenting, but I do
believe it can help him and me to be prepared. Among my research I found that
one really important factor is meeting the child's needs. This is important in
your relationship with your child and helping your child to become a strong,
independent individual. There are many needs that children have but there are
five that are important in helping your child develop courage to get their
needs met. These are Contact and
Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, and Challenge. A couple of these I
foresaw being a need but there were others I didn't. I will talk about the
needs, the usual results when these needs are not met, and the approach to how
parents can fulfill these needs.
The first
is Contact and Belonging. This is the need to have contact with others,
especially physical contact, and the need to belong. When this need isn't met
then children exhibit undue attention seeking. The thing about undue attention
seeking, is that one will never have enough of what they don't need. If you
don't need it, then you will never be able to get enough of it to fulfill what
you do need. For example, if I am extremely thirst and I need water, but
instead have a lot of soda I am going to keep drinking it trying to fulfill my
need for water. It won't work, and I will continue to try and drink soda even
though it isn't helping. If this need isn't being fulfilled, then children
might act out or seek attention or physical contact in other ways that may not
always be healthy and could be dangerous. The way for parents to meet this need
is to offer contact freely and to teach children to contribute.
The next
need is power. If children don't feel like they have enough they can respond by
rebellion or being very controlling themselves. The best way to meet this need
is to offer choices. Let your child experience how to make age appropriate
decisions. The next part is to allow the consequences to happen. When parents
include both choices and consequences children can gain responsibility. That is
Response-Ability. They learn the ability to respond and take responsibility.
The third
need is protection. This need surprised me a bit. I definitely thought
protection would be apart of the child's needs, but I didn't see it in this
way. You protect the child, but also teach them how to protect themselves. If
they don't feel this need is met, then they can try to feel that protection by
getting revenge. The way to meet this need is a) you being assertive and
forgiving, and b) teaching them to be assertive and forgiving. It is important
to note that there is a difference between assertive and aggressive. Being
assertive helps them to place boundaries between themselves and others and
standing up for themselves. The difficult part of this is that they are going
to be assertive with you. When you hurt their feelings, they will let you know
and as they grow and learn to understand their feelings it isn't going to
always be clear or kind. What we do in return is accept this. We forgive them
and teach them to forgive us.
The next
need is withdrawal. I didn't even know what this one was going to be. It
sounded so interesting. Withdrawal refers to the need to take a break and relax,
but then continue. If this need isn't met then children can experience undue
avoidance. They will constantly avoid tasks they need to accomplish or problems
they have.
For example, if you are in a hot garden working all day long you would be
very tired at the end of the day. It would have been exhausting and not
particularly enjoyable. You probably wouldn't be excited to go back to it. But instead,
once you became hot, tired, and thirsty you went inside for a moment and got a drink.
You sat down and rested a bit. Then you came back to what you were doing so
that you were able to finish it, and now you have a renewed energy. Because you
know you can take a break and relax you are more willing to start it. This is
what we need to teach children. It is okay to take a break and relax, and then
go back to what you were doing. It is important that we remember to teach to go
back.
The last
need is the need for a challenge. If you know a child, then you know that they
love to do things that challenge them. My thoughts go to my niece who loves to do
things she isn't big enough to do. First it was learning to stand and to walk.
She fell down time after time but pursued it. She loves to try and pour the
milk when it is full and heavy. She doesn't always succeed, but when she does
she feels a sense of accomplishment. When children aren't challenged they can
begin to take undue risk taking that can be dangerous to them. The way we can help
children fulfill this need to be challenged is first to model it. Take on
challenges yourself and do things that aren't always easy for you. The next is
to encourage skill building.
I hope
that as I become a parent I will be able to meet my child's needs. I hope that
I will be able to give them their best chance and help raise them to become
their best selves. I wish luck to all other parents in their endeavor and hope
that you feel confident in yourself as a parent.
