The Needs of Children

             A recent topic that has dominated my husband and my conversations has been parenting. We are expecting a baby in January and I have been doing a lot of research. Research can't replace experiencing parenting, but I do believe it can help him and me to be prepared. Among my research I found that one really important factor is meeting the child's needs. This is important in your relationship with your child and helping your child to become a strong, independent individual. There are many needs that children have but there are five that are important in helping your child develop courage to get their needs met.  These are Contact and Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, and Challenge. A couple of these I foresaw being a need but there were others I didn't. I will talk about the needs, the usual results when these needs are not met, and the approach to how parents can fulfill these needs.

              The first is Contact and Belonging. This is the need to have contact with others, especially physical contact, and the need to belong. When this need isn't met then children exhibit undue attention seeking. The thing about undue attention seeking, is that one will never have enough of what they don't need. If you don't need it, then you will never be able to get enough of it to fulfill what you do need. For example, if I am extremely thirst and I need water, but instead have a lot of soda I am going to keep drinking it trying to fulfill my need for water. It won't work, and I will continue to try and drink soda even though it isn't helping. If this need isn't being fulfilled, then children might act out or seek attention or physical contact in other ways that may not always be healthy and could be dangerous. The way for parents to meet this need is to offer contact freely and to teach children to contribute.

              The next need is power. If children don't feel like they have enough they can respond by rebellion or being very controlling themselves. The best way to meet this need is to offer choices. Let your child experience how to make age appropriate decisions. The next part is to allow the consequences to happen. When parents include both choices and consequences children can gain responsibility. That is Response-Ability. They learn the ability to respond and take responsibility.

              The third need is protection. This need surprised me a bit. I definitely thought protection would be apart of the child's needs, but I didn't see it in this way. You protect the child, but also teach them how to protect themselves. If they don't feel this need is met, then they can try to feel that protection by getting revenge. The way to meet this need is a) you being assertive and forgiving, and b) teaching them to be assertive and forgiving. It is important to note that there is a difference between assertive and aggressive. Being assertive helps them to place boundaries between themselves and others and standing up for themselves. The difficult part of this is that they are going to be assertive with you. When you hurt their feelings, they will let you know and as they grow and learn to understand their feelings it isn't going to always be clear or kind. What we do in return is accept this. We forgive them and teach them to forgive us.

              The next need is withdrawal. I didn't even know what this one was going to be. It sounded so interesting. Withdrawal refers to the need to take a break and relax, but then continue. If this need isn't met then children can experience undue avoidance. They will constantly avoid tasks they need to accomplish or problems they have.

For example, if you are in a hot garden working all day long you would be very tired at the end of the day. It would have been exhausting and not particularly enjoyable. You probably wouldn't be excited to go back to it. But instead, once you became hot, tired, and thirsty you went inside for a moment and got a drink. You sat down and rested a bit. Then you came back to what you were doing so that you were able to finish it, and now you have a renewed energy. Because you know you can take a break and relax you are more willing to start it. This is what we need to teach children. It is okay to take a break and relax, and then go back to what you were doing. It is important that we remember to teach to go back.

              The last need is the need for a challenge. If you know a child, then you know that they love to do things that challenge them. My thoughts go to my niece who loves to do things she isn't big enough to do. First it was learning to stand and to walk. She fell down time after time but pursued it. She loves to try and pour the milk when it is full and heavy. She doesn't always succeed, but when she does she feels a sense of accomplishment. When children aren't challenged they can begin to take undue risk taking that can be dangerous to them. The way we can help children fulfill this need to be challenged is first to model it. Take on challenges yourself and do things that aren't always easy for you. The next is to encourage skill building.

              I hope that as I become a parent I will be able to meet my child's needs. I hope that I will be able to give them their best chance and help raise them to become their best selves. I wish luck to all other parents in their endeavor and hope that you feel confident in yourself as a parent.