The RAM

                                        

I am going to tell you a story about one of my friends who I will call Suzie. Suzie really liked John. She only met him two weeks before, but she knew she loved him. They held hands and hugged all the time and that week they started kissing, which Suzie loved to do to show John she loved him. She didn't really know John very well, but that was okay because she was really committed to him and trusted him. A couple of days later Suzie found out that John was also seeing two other girls. Suzie was devastated.          

This has happened to many friends of mine and it is awful to see them get hurt in their relationships. Sometimes is plays out differently. The guy isn't usually a bad guy, the couple just didn't know each other before they got into it. They had committed to each other a lot more than they were ready for and got hurt when they discovered this person they were dating was not who they thought they were.

How can someone know when they are ready to commit to someone and even when to touch them? There is a model provided by Van Epp called the RAM model. It is a guide for relationships. There are five aspects of the Relationship Attachment Model. Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. The model works in the way that the previous aspect should always be higher than the one after it. This means that you should always know a person more than you trust them, you should trust them more than you rely on them, you should rely on them more than you are committed to them, and you should be more committed to them than you touch them. This helps to prevent people from getting hurt in a relationship. 

If a person tries to guide the relationship in an opposite way they can get hurt and it can stunt the growth of the relationship like we saw in the example with Suzie.

What can we do to help Suzie in her next relationship? The first step is getting to know someone. Getting to know the person you intend to date is the most important because it becomes the base for all the other aspects. Once you know them you can begin to trust them, because you know that a) they aren't dating anybody else right now, and b) you know them enough to trust that they won't date someone else while you are seeing them. Once you trust them you can begin to rely on them. If you trust someone you know them enough to trust them to not let you down. Then you can commit to them because you know you can rely on them and they will have your back. Then comes touch. Many people like to bring touch in really fast. It can be really hard to hold off on touch, not even sexual touch but all kinds of touch.

Bringing in the aspect of touch too early can make someone feel like they know their partner even if they don't know them at all. With this faux basis of knowledge of someone, a person can start to build on all the other aspects as well. All too soon, the faux base can crumble and bring down everything else with it. Just because you don't know someone doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means you don't know them. 

Here is what Suzie can do with this advice in her next relationship. Suzie has now just met Chris. Chris seems like a great guy, but she is worried because of how things ended up with John. Chris takes Suzie out on a date and they talk and get to know each other the entire night. At the end of the night Chris goes to kiss Suzie. Suzie stops him and asks if they can wait until they get to know each other more. Chris is disappointed because he was really looking forward to kissing Suzie, but he agrees. Chris and Suzie go on many more dates of all different kinds. They are starting to really get to know each other. They start to learn about the person as they are with their faults. Eventually they do start to kiss, but they never go farther than they are committed to each other.

Don't forget the 5 basics! First get to know your partner, then you can start to trust them, after you trust them you can begin relying on them, once you rely on them you can commit to them, and once you are committed to them you can start sharing touch. I wish you all the best in your relationships.

 

A Family System

   

    Picture this. A family in an ice cream shop. The adults are sitting together talking while the kids are eating ice cream and playing together. Slowly but surely the kids begin to get a little louder, a little rowdier. Maybe people in the store begin to glance at the scene the kids are making. The mom stands up, puts her hands on her hips, gives them the look, and shakes her head. The kids immediately stop and sit up then finish their ice cream while the adults go back to talking. Every family has their own unspoken and spoken rules, whether its to 'Behave in public', 'What mom says goes', 'Sister gets to ask for more ice cream, but I don't', or 'Don't run into the street'. These "rules characterize, regulate, and help stabilize how - and how well families function as a unit"¹.

    Rules are created from the very beginning of the relationship and once there, they are usually there to stay. Some rules are very helpful, such as 'Don't run into the street'. Others are not. Rules like 'Every time mom approaches dad about money they start to yell'. Or 'When sister starts a temper tantrum she always gets her way'. Rules, good or bad, are what make a family unique and different from other families. Rules do multiple things. One is to help the family members learn what they should do and how they are expected to act. They also indicate where the boundaries are. Boundaries separate the family from its environment and other families. Some families have healthy boundaries while others either have no boundaries or are have boundaries that are too closed.²

    How could you go about changing unhealthy boundaries or rules? The first step would be awareness and acceptance. It can be hard to accept that one might have an unhealthy rule or boundary. This is their family. The rules and boundaries are a part of what makes them different from other families. The rules and boundaries are usually based on values. One way to assess if there are unhealthy boundaries or rules is to look to the family and see if any individuals display any symptoms or problems. I like to view the family as a circle. When sister acts a certain way it is going to cause brother to act a certain way, but because brother is going to act a certain way, then sister will act a certain way, etc etc. Which means if there are any unhealthy boundaries it is highly likely that one of the family members is going to act a certain way because of it. This isn't to put blame on anyone or say no one is responsible, but rather to focus on the problem instead of the blame. If you still can't decide if there is a problem or are worried about it you can always talk to a professional. I am not a professional, therefore I would get the opinion of one before making any conclusions. Optimally the best route would be to change the rule or boundary to fix the problem.

    There are many different theories that professionals use to explain what is happening and that they use to help families. The one that I am partial to is Family Systems Theory, which is what my post is based off of. One of the main parts of Family Systems Theory is that "The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.²" Meaning that the family is like a cake. You can have all the ingredients together, but that wouldn't make a cake. The members in the family are the ingredients and when they come together in a family that makes it into a cake.²

    In the end if you believe there is a problem I suggest talking to a professional therapist. They might have different theories that they will change how different therapists help you or your family, but that is their objective and their job, to help.


1-The Family as a Psychosocial System.
2-Reproduced from Ingoldsby, B. B., Smith, S. R., & Miller, J. E. (2004). Exploring Family Theories. In Family Systems Theory (2nd Ed., Ch. 5, pp. 123 -139). New York, NY: Oxford University Press